When My Knees Got Wounded

Written in 2007.

God is great and God is good, and we thank You for our food. By His grace we must all be fed, give us Lord our daily bread. Amen. I can still exactly remember this prayer along with its tune. I can still vividly picture as my classmates and I sang before we took our snacks.

Since I was a child, I was taught to pray. I remember my mom saying that I should pray before I eat and before I sleep. During those times, I just prayed as an act of obedience to an authority. I felt guilty whenever I did not pray because I felt like I disobeyed her. I was also anxious that she would scold me.

As I grew up, I felt the need to pray. Somehow, I prayed out of willingness and not just of obedience to my mom. I thought I needed to pray so that God would give me what I need. I prayed for food everyday. I prayed for high scores in my quizzes and exams. I prayed that I wouldn’t be late for school, whenever I was close to being late. I prayed that I would not become sick so that I could come to school and see my friends. I prayed that my teacher would not scold me if I would be called to recite and not be able to answer correctly. So you see, I had a simple prayer list then. With “simple”, I think I mean “selfish”. Hehe.

As I grew older, I felt an intense need to pray. Things around me became complicated perhaps because I had more experiences at that time than when I was younger. I prayed for a lot of things. My prayer was not simple anymore. Yet I think it became more selfish.

There was this thing I started to pray about. I got on my knees to ask God for it. I prayed about it every night. Years passed. And every year, my prayer changed but it was still about that thing. Now, I still pray about that, but my prayer is a lot different from the first time I prayed about it. I’ve been praying for 8 years now, I think. Yes, a lot has changed; things became and become worse, as one can see them. I once pleaded to God, “it’s okay if you ignore everything I pray for, just grant this one I’ve been praying about for a long time, please.” I even had bargains with Him. Yet now, I still don’t have what I keep on praying about. Does God listen?

There came a point in my life that I wanted to stop praying. My knees ached already. I thought nothing was happening. I felt tired waiting for God’s answer, or shall I say, I felt tired waiting for what I wanted to happen to happen.

But then, I could not stop praying. I didn’t know how that happened. Eventually, I felt like my head was bumped against a wall. Did I ever ask myself what my purpose for praying was? Why was I praying all along? I wanted God to change things. I wanted to direct Him to let things happen the way I wanted them to. All along, I thought He did not answer me. It was painful, but He let me realize that I was just too busy, focusing on what I wanted to happen, to see His answer. He was showing me the answer, but I was too stubborn to accept it. I wanted Him to answer the way I expected Him to. My knees were wounded because I relied on myself alone, thinking that through my own effort of praying things could change. I did not allow Him to cover them with His hand, not acknowledging that only He could let things happen.

For many years, I prayed selfishly. I prayed to get my desires. For me, prayer was like a vending machine. Once you pay, you get the product you want. I thought that as I prayed, I would get what I prayed for.

If God granted right away what I’ve prayed about for years, I would not have learned the true purpose of prayer. It will forever be like a vending machine to me.

Prayer, indeed, is a conversation with God. We not just present our requests; we speak with God, a lot like when we chat with a friend. It’s how we communicate with Him. It’s an expression of total dependence on Him, acknowledging His sovereignty. We pray not to let God change things but to allow God to change us. We are changed as we pray. I was and am being changed.

Curious of God’s answer to my eight-year-long prayer? His answer is that I should wait and trust because His plan is always the best. He made me realize that apart from Him, I can do nothing (Psalm 16:2). Many are the plans in my mind, but it is His purpose that will stand (Proverbs 19:21).

Just like what I have mentioned above, I still am praying about that same thing up to now. I won’t stop praying because I know God listens. Kukulitin ko si Lord.I want Him to know that I need His help. The more I pray, the more I experience His love and the more clearly I see His plan.

 I get on my knees; there I am before the love that changes me. See I don’t know how, but there’s power when I’m on my knees (On My Knees, Jaci Velasquez).

This time, my knees will never get wounded again.